Well, we’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that you can stop your Christmas shopping and you don’t have to worry about doing any more laundry. The bad news is that according to some theories and the Mayan calendar, the end of the world is Friday, December 21. At 11:11 pm UTC to be precise. UTC is the code for Coordinated Universal Time and is kind of like Greenwich Mean Time. It’s how science geeks and time-icians (what do you call those people?) coordinate all of the clocks everywhere. We’re not sure how that translates to your particular time zone, so you may or may not have the chance to watch your favorite Friday night show. NASA says that the world won’t really end, and they’re pretty sharp cookies, but do you really want to risk it?
That being said, something as momentous as the Mayan Apocalypse and the End of the World would seem to require a bit of wine drinking. If you want do so in the safety of a crowd of kindred spirits, head to the Ukraine. New World Winery (ironic, no?) is in Crimea and has a huge cellar that stores 10 million bottles of Ukrainian sparkling wines. In celebration of the End of the World, they are opening the cellars to tourists who wish to avoid the craziness. There will be food, music, cots for hundreds of people, and of course, some wine.
You might also travel to Saratoga, California and The Mountain Winery. They own the winery originally started by Paul Masson. Yup, THAT Paul Masson. It’s a beautiful place, and to sort of take advantage of the setting, they built an amphitheater in 1958 and have been regularly holding concerts ever since. Well, from 7 until midnight on Friday the 21st they’re having an End of the Mayan Calendar party with Mayan inspired drinks, live music, and a chef-prepared feast. They’re also offering free parking, but after midnight nobody will need a car, right?
Maybe it’s more a matter of what you serve? Piety Flats is a winery in Wapato, Washington, right down the road from Yakima. We’ve never been to Washington, but we should really go, because they have the best names for cities ever. Anyway, just in time for the Apocalypse, they’ve come out with End of Days Red Table Wine. It’s got cabernet, syrah, and some other red grapes mixed together that make a perfect sipper as you watch the stuff hit the fan.
If you’re truly worried about pairings, you might consult the expert opinion of Maynard James Keenan. He’s the lead singer for the bands Tool and A Perfect Circle, and if you’ve heard their music it’s pretty good End Times soundtrack stuff. He’s also, by the way, the owner and proprietor of Caduceus Cellars, a winery in Northern Arizona. The caduceus is also, by the way, the staff carried by Hermes in Greek Mythology. It is similar to the medical symbol, with a staff, snakes and wings, but it represents trades and occupations associated with Hermes, messenger of the gods and protector of travelers, herdsmen and thieves. Like wine drinkers. And let that be a lesson that metal rockers aren’t stupid.
So Maynard was asked what he would serve come the End of Times and he really put some thought into it. He thinks that it might be a Zombie Apocalypse, so he approached it as “Good Pairings for a Zombie.” If you’re having tongue, go for a nice shiraz with some oakiness to balance the gaminess. With all due respect to Hannibal Lecter, liver is a little too fatty for chianti, and might go down better with and Italian Barolo. If you’re biting off a nose or some ear, stick with beer. Too much cartilege.
And on that note, we’re cuing up some REM.